Success & Longing

We picked up the washing machine and the rest of my furniture on Saturday. Our apartment is now complete and actually looks like a home. I can finally invite people over and entertain without being embarrassed. It's funny how in such a short time c and I have become like an old married couple. We have our routines in the morning and before bed and you know the romance is gone when your partner has no problem walking in to the bathroom to brush his teeth or wash his hands while I am indisposed. I don't even bother locking the door anymore. It actually feels nice to be so comfortable with someone. Scary too.

When I think about the future, it's no longer mine, it's ours. I can't imagine my life without c. I would be devastated if anything ever happened to him or us. I find my self more frequently thinking about our future and having kids. I worry a lot because c says he wants kids and he is wonderful with my nephew an cousins but I am afraid c will never be ready for that responsibility. He enjoys the "single" life, being carefree and livening day to day, not having to plan and schedule. He living want to trade in his freedom yet. c. can't quite see the big picture. He thinks we have all the time in the world and I fear that by the time he realizes that he wants kids and is ready it will be to late. I know I still have time but at my age, every year I wait the risk is greater. With my family medical history the risk doubles.

So many people in my family have had babies this year which I think has added fuel to the fire. I have always wanted kids though. For as long as I can remember I have wanted 7 children. 4 boys and 3 girls. I don't know why 7 but it always sounded great. Well, now I pray for 1. I hate to be cliche but my biological clock is ticking so loud It's drowning everything else out. I don't want to pressure c. I want this to be a decision we both make because we are ready for it and want it. It's just hard because I am mentally prepared for a family and have been for some time. I am ready for it and want it. c isn't there yet. He's on the right path but he traveling awfully slow. It sucks that men and women travel at different speeds. I seems like your never at the same place at the same time. Someone is always ready first.

When c and I first started dating he was totally in to the relationship thing and wanted an exclusive relationship very quickly. We were only dating for 3 months when he told me he loved me. It freaked me out because I wasn't ready for that type of serious relationship. I actually cried when he said it because I couldn't say it back. I told him that I wasn't ready and that I couldn't say it yet. The words mean to much. I wasn't until we were together about a year that I told him I loved him. Now that we are in a committed relationship (3½ years) he is still in that exclusive dating mode. I know that he is committed to me and our relationship but he still needs clings to that bachelor mentality a little because he doesn't understand that being in a committed relationship doesn't mean that you have to give up your freedom. It just means you are sharing your life with someone. Men really are from Mars!

The Aftermath

Santa was very good to me this year. He brought me almost everything on my list. I also got to spend 4 wonderful days with my nephew. The only drawback to the whole holiday season was the 4 hour drive home in the blizzard. c got me a beautiful white gold necklace and 2 pairs of earings in addition to my favorite chocolates Mrs. Field's. Oh my god, they taste just like the cookies, even better actually. My mom bought me almost everything I wanted for the kitchen. My dad gave me the best gift...cash. I bought my season tickets for the Yankees and a new washing machine. I am pretty much set now in the apartment.

Tomorrow we pick up the washing machine, I hope. c brought home his friend r.a today and he is spending the night. Normally I wouldn't care but they are going to stay up all night drinking beer and being loud. c insists that he will be up early to get the truck and r.a and d are going to help him with the machine and the rest of my furniture. We will see how early they can get up after their party night. No matter what we need to get that washing machine because I have about 3 weeks worth of laundry to do. It is starting to ooze out the bedroom door into the hallway. If all else fails I will make my own washing machine out of the bathtub.

This weeks This or That only slightly delayed
1. Opening presents...rip 'em open with all abandon, or carefully open, preserving the pretty paper for recycling? Screw the paper, rip them open with reckless abandon
2. Do you and yours take turns, opening one gift at a time, or does everyone just rip into everything at the same time? One for you, Once for me, One for you , One for me.
3. If you get something you don't like...do you try to return it, or keep it so as not to hurt the giver's feelings?I try to return it but I lie about why like it didn't fit or it didn't work right etc.
4. Do you spend the holiday at home (yours or someone else's), or do you go out and eat, see the newest movie, whatever?Always at home.
5. What do you do with Christmas cards after the holiday is over? Save them, or toss them? Save them and then use them to decorate next year.
6. Cook Christmas dinner, or does someone else do that?Well anyone who knows me knows the kitchen is MINE!
7. It's Christmas Eve, and you have run out of wrapping paper. Do you go out and buy more, or wrap the rest of the gifts in the Sunday comics? Sunday comics baby and when you run out of that draw on some brown paper bags.
8. On Christmas morning...up at the crack of dawn, eagerly anticipating the loot...or would you rather sleep in? I sleep with one eye open so I can see when the clock hits like 6:00am. Then I get to wake everyone up
9. Do you want a white or a green Chrismas?Let it Snow
10. Going to church on Christmas...yes or no? Thats a negative.

I
Will
not die
an unlived life
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid, more accessible,
to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch,
a promise.
I choose
to risk my significance;
to live so that which came to me
as seed goes to the next as
blossom,
and that which came to me as
blossom
goes on as fruit.

Circle of Friends


I was reading m.s.'s blog and was just going to leave a comment about a remark she made but my thought morphed into a whole philosophical discussion. So here is it.

The Remark
"i've written before that sometimes i wish i knew how to just shut up. tonight d. told me that i'm difficult to talk to because i "overtalk". he speculates that this may be a problem for some of my friends as well."

My Theory
Have you ever just sat back and though about all the people in your life, both close friends and those people you consider friendly acquaintances and even co-workers. It amazes me that they are such an eclectic group. You would think the people who are closest to us, our "best friends" would be just like us. Similar interests and values would make a relationship easy. As I have gotten older and wiser I have learned it is the complete opposite. I find that although I like myself as a person I get bored very easily with people who are to much like me. I enjoy meeting new people and learning about their personalities and how they operate. I guess this is why I have always found it easy to make friends. I am intrigued by people. The more I analyze my friendships the more I realize that each person in my life adds something different to it, brings a different perspective and I thrive on that. We make friends because they fulfill a need in us. Weather it is simply a mutual interest, or because they boost our egos or they challenge us, each person plays a role.

There's an old joke how in every group for example there is the smart one, the attractive one and the village idiot. Take a look at your two closest friends. If one is a supermodel and one is a rocket scientist, guess what? Right. Well as silly as it is the joke has some truth to it. In every group every person plays a part. The funny thing is, you can be one thing to your childhood friends, and something completely different to your adult friends, and even something else to your co-workers. At different times in your life you need people for different reasons and you seek out specific traits in a friend. If you are lucky those relationships develop beyond that initial need and you from lasting relationships. That's why they say it is harder to make friends the older you get. You get more picky because of your life experiences. You know what you want in a friend and you can see through people a lot more easily.

Think about when you were a kid. You were friends with anyone in your class or on your street, maybe with the exception of that weird kid who sat in the corner and ate paste. As you get older you start to notice things you like and dislike about personalities and begin to be more selective about who you spend time with. You object when your parents want to set up play dates with the kids down the street because you want to be with the cool kids from across town. As you become an adult you have found a secure group of close friends and you make acquaintances but your content with the relationships you have formed and often the hustle and bustle of every day life leaves little time to really get to know someone. That is until your needs change.

Let's take for example the microcosm that is my place of employment which I often fondly refer to as the fiery pit of hell. We often joke about writing a screenplay about our daily trials and tribulations and the people that we encounter. A kind of Clerks meetsOffice Space type of thing. We could cast half the movie without even thinking about it because it would have all of your token characters taken to the extreme. People love these movies because you can relate to all of the characters. Do you know why. Because you know someone like each character in all of these movies. While very stereotypical they are also fairly accurate in their portrayals. Think of the brat pack or John Hughes movies of the 80's. Which character are you from

• The Breakfast Club


• Sixteen Candles


• St. Elmo's Fire


• Ferris Buellers Day Off


• Pretty in Pink


• Some Kind of Wonderful


• About Last Night

And how many people do you know like other characters in these movies. That's my point. You play a part. Each of my co-workers, some of which I consider good friends, allows me to give part of myself or offers part of themselves. For example, t.m is like a little sister. She allows me to be motherly and give advise and we have gotten to a point where I feel like she respects my opinion. She knows I will be honest but not judgmental. I offer my help but in return she fulfills that need in me to coddle someone and be protective. j.c. is my debate partner. It seems like whenever I say black he says white. He's never wrong and I am never wrong so we have some heated arguments. Well anyone who knows me knows that I am confrontational and love to argue. It's a mutual understanding that we will disagree about everything and anything but that it's not personal. z.t. intrigues me. She is very exotic and has very different opinions on what is important to her. It is interesting to me to watch her and how she reacts and she amuses me with things she says. She is, and I don't mean this in a negative way, a materialist. She loves high fashion and celebrity lifestyles etc, and this is entertaining to me. I think because I envy her naivete and carefree attitude. I can live vicariously through her as she travels the world.

Close friends however play a more intimate role in your life, especially those friends you have had for an extended period of time. These relationships are more difficult because they are constantly changing. Your life long friends have seen you grow and mature and have been privy to your many changing faces. They understand your moods, and how you will react to certain situations and can adjust accordingly to be a better friend. It is also difficult when one of those close friends makes a new friend or becomes closer with an existing friend. You feel like you are being left out, when this is not always the case. Again, we have our roles and unfortunately we can not be everything to everyone. Sometimes our friends just need something that we can not offer. There are times you just want to kick back and be carefree and you have that friend who is a wild and crazy and who has no responsibility. You know the one who never worries about the consequences. You hang out and you feel that energy if only for that day or even an hour. Then you have that friend who is down to earth and logical and can always rationalize everything and make you see the big picture. You call every time something major happens in your life because you know they will celebrate with you or cry with you and will always know the right thing to say. Then there's the friend who always tells you what you want to hear and the other friend who is always honest even when it's not what you want to hear.

The one thing that I have learned is that no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to completely figure people out. They will always surprise you. Even the ones you think you know best. Especially the one's you know best. So while you worry that your friends may not like a particular personality trait, that may be the exact reason that they want to be around you. Take m.s for example. I met her while I was in training at work. She was friends with my trainer and one day I was outside by myself taking a smoke break and she came outside. She was so friendly and chatty and put me at ease very quickly. We chit chatted about office gossip and such. When I found out they were developing a new department and that both of us had been chosen it was a relief because I felt comfortable with her and new we would be able to work together. While m.s is typically a non confrontational person she has strong opinions and is very vocal about them with people she trusts. Her willingness to be so open and share personal feelings and information about her life enabled me to open up to her about me. I am a very private person. I am honest and if you ask I will offer information about my life but I don't have to many deep conversations about events in my life. It is a rare person who can get me to open up and leave myself vulnerable. m.s. has this amazing ability to verbalize almost anything. She can have a question, talk the whole thing through from beginning to end, and by the end have answered the question or made such an interesting argument that your left thinking about it for the rest of the day. She can take everyday things that we think or feel but can't verbalize and put them into words in a way that seem so simple your like "Why couldn't I think of that or say it that way?. Everyone has a different way of expressing themselves. What a gift to be able to do so verbally and with such ease. Most of us stumble all over ourselves trying to find the right words at the right time. We have to be obscure and hope that others will recognize our attempts to communicate with gestures or pictures and hope they get it. And not only does she have the ability, she has the courage to share herself with others.

c.h. is one of those people that everyone likes. He has that laid back personality and is also non confrontational. He would rather mutter obscenities under his breath than start an argument. He is very expressive in non verbal ways. You can tell what kind of mood he is in by how hard he pounds the keys on the keyboard and how he sits in his chair. you know he is in a good mood when he sings to himself or randomly spouts off comic quips from his favorite offbeat movies. He seems kind of shy and quiet until you get to know him and then there is no keeping him quiet. He is good at EVERYTHING, which if he wasn't so nice would be really annoying. He's into photography and takes some amazing pictures, he's great at bowling, pool and probably everything else he has ever tried. He gives off this energy and it is hard to be in a bad mood when he is around. Even when he is grumpy he makes you laugh without even trying. Have you ever met one of those people who, you can't quite put your finger on it, but there is just something about them you just know that they are special. c.h. is destined for greatness. I can't explain it I just know it
unequivocally.

With that said I leave you with this. You were chosen as a friend for a reason. You don't always have to understand why, just know that you were and are needed and your real friend like you for who you are, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance.
They awaken us to new understanding with the
passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for a while, leave footprints on
our hearts and we are never, ever the same.

Bah Humbug

I will never understand how men can wait until the absolute last minute before the holidays, Christmas Eve, to do all of their shopping. And how is it that we women toil for weeks and weeks in excruciating agony over what we are going to buy for everyone on our list, and will it be the right thing, and will this person think this is tacky, or did I spend the right amount, and I hope they really like it. Yet men will do all of their shopping in one store of the discount rack with no prior though whatsoever. And we still give them credit when alas on Christmas morning we unwrap something we like or actually wanted. This was not planned. It was a random twist if fate that landed that product in the bargain bin or on the impulse buy rack at the check out counter. Alrighty then. Back to wrapping paper and ribbon and bows. If I'm not out in 2 days send in the search party.

This or That Tuesday's Holidaze

1. Christmas dinner: turkey or ham (or something else)?
Ham,save the turkey for thanksgiving
2. Candy canes or chocolate? Chocolate please
3. Fruit basket or fruitcake? fruit basket
4. Mulled cider or mulled wine? Mulled cider with a shot of absolute
5. Eggnog or hot chocolate? Hot Chocolate
6. Holiday cookies: homemade or store-bought? Leave the store boughts in the store
7. Roasting chestnuts or popping corn? Popping corn
8. On the buffet table: veggie platter or cheese tray? cheese tray
9. Apple or pumpkin pie? Apple Pie rules
10. Christmas Day breakfast: before or after gift-opening? after the gift. begin the orgy of greed.

Mr Clean would be proud

Well it took 2 days but we managed to disinfect the entire house from top to bottom and rearrange the furniture. I finally feel like the apartment is mine. I have most of my belongings and things are finally starting to come together. In the house that is. The plumber comes on Wednesday and the landlord said the kitchen cabinets he ordered came in so the kitchen is next. Once the bathroom gets redone we'll be all set. With all the hoopla with the moving I haven't had much time to prepare for Christmas.

I planned to make everyone's presents this year but with such a late start I am afraid I won't get to finish or put as much time in to each gift as I would like. I still have a week. It is possible. I sear it is almost to much stress to enjoy the holidays.

Oh and a little gossip of the I told you so kind, when j.d. came to pick up the rest of his crap he told c that c.d was pregnant. What a shocker. They have been dating for a little over a year. She is psycho and it is just so convenient that right after they move out she is suddenly pregnant. He is already in a custody battle with his ex-wife, who he was not quite divorced from when he started dating c.d., to get permanent custody of his son brendan. I can't see this relationship lasting and the poor child if it doesn't. He is already a poor parent and role model for brendan I can't image what he will be like toward another child that he doesn't want. I hate to be judgmental but I lived with these people and I saw how they acted. It is a shame that there are so many people in this world that want to have children and can't or who want to adopt and can't that are willing to sacrifice everything to give a child a better life and the idiots who were to stupid to use a condom are now going to have a child. For god sakes they couldn't even take care of a dog.

O.K., The soap box is closed for the rest of the day. Come back tomorrow. I'm sure I'll find something else to preach about.

Murphy's Law

I finally got my computer to the apartment and they came and installed the cable modem in the house. Well surprise, or maybe not such a surprise with my luck, the computer has no network card. This computer was pieced together by my dad with a monitor from here and a keyboard from there. Well, it has been sitting unused for a couple of years and of course it didn't dawn on me that it would not be cable ready. No biggie right. WRONG! I go and get the network card and put it in and try to install the divers from the disk and I get an error that I need the Windows 95 installation disk. Yes folk, still using 95. Of course I don't have the disk because I want to update this piece of crap, so still waiting to access the internet form home. On top of that the USB port is not compatible with Windows 95 so once I upgrade I still have to go and by a USB port to upload pictures from the digital camera. And the saga continues. Maybe by the time I am 40 things will start to pan out for me.

You've got to take the bad with the good

I was trying to get the piles of laundry stacked in the middle of the floor washed over the weekend. This was in between all of c.d.'s family members traipsing through the house moving all of her crap. Apparently either they though it would be funny or her family didn't realize that the washing machine wasn't hers, but they disconnected all the hoses. I realized this when I tried to start the washing machine and nothing happened. I reconnected the hot and cold water hoses but forgot to connect the drain hose to the water pipe that goes outside. I started the machine and went on my merry way. At this point I now have all of my craft shit strewn across the kitchen table with paints and lace and glue etc. lying all over the place. I am painting a canvas bag when my feet start to fell wet and I am like "What the Hell". I turn to the laundry room and see the water pouring out from under the door. I run over and open the door and a mini tidal wave splashed out into the kitchen and spread out onto the living room rug. I only wish a had a video camera taping my reaction and the subsequent chaotic mop up the water with any and every towel you can find dance. I had my pants rolled up to my knees, I was covered in water from head to toe. Boy way I a sight standing over the kitchen sink wringing out towels for 2 hours.

On the bright side the carpet got cleaned. We ended up renting a steam cleaner and sterilized the whole apartment. You can actually breath without gagging now when you come in the house. I am so happy I get to have company come over and not be mortified with how the house looks. There are not dishes in the sink, papers aren't stacked all over the counters, toys aren't littered across the living room. It's a beautiful thing.

This-or-That: December 10, 2002
More fun for the holidaze!

1. Real or artificial tree? You've gotta have a real tree. Nothing beats that real Pine tree scent
2. Real or artificial wreath?Real, everything should be real
3. Open gifts on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day (or do you do another holiday such as Hannukkah)?Christmas Morning. The anticipation and jumping up out of bed at like 5:00 in the morning is the best.
4. "It's A Wonderful Life" or "Miracle on 34th Street"?Miracle On 34th Street
5. Outdoor decorations, or just indoors?The Griswald house people. Know it, Love it.
6. "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" or "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer"?Rudolph all the way.
7. Miniature lights or the larger ones?It really depends on the situation but I tend to stick to the smaller lights
8. Store-bought or hand-made ornaments?Hand made ornaments with an occational store bought one for filler
9. TV Specials: The Grinch or Charlie Brown?Gotta go with Charlie Brown
10. Will you be staying at home for the holiday, or going visiting?Unfortunately I must go visiting and battle the traffic. This is the only drawback to the holidays. But it's worth it to spend time with the family

Ding Dong the Witch is Dead

And number three is... The room mates from hell have moved out. I finally have the place to myself, except for c. of course. And in the grand tradition of being a dick, j.d gave us a weeks notice that they were leaving and decided they were only paying for half this months rent being they were only there for 2 weeks of the rental month. We have to come up with a heck of a lot of money on short notice but, whatever it takes to get them out. Good ridence! Now I get to actually move in my stuff, including my computer, hooray and decorate a little. First we have to steam clean all the carpets and scrub the house from top to bottom. The good thing is, it's just in time for the holidays so I can bust out all my craft stuff and the sewing machine to make all my Christmas presents. Free at last. Thank God almighty I'm free at last!

The Arrival

Well It finally happened, Quinn has arrived. He showed up on Thanksgiving day just as we were about to carve the holiday bird. This is surely a Thanksgiving we will never forget. We had to pack up the feast in tupperware and then set up our own little buffet in the waiting room of the hospital. It was interesting and memorable. Not only that but we also had our first snow of the season. It was out of this world waking up to this beautiful scene. Usually things happen in three's. I got a nephew, snow (which I love and can't get enough of) and there should be one more thing soon. Until then....

This Weeks This or That

1. Go out and buy gifts, or shop online/mail order? Shop online
2. Gift cards/certificates or pick out gifts? Pick out gifts. It's more personal
3. Pay cash or charge holiday gifts? Charge it Baby!
4. Are most of your gifts mailed or given in person? I prefer to give in person when I can.
5. Are you an early-bird or last-minute holiday shopper? I try to be an early bird but usually end up a last minute shopper
6. If you shop in stores...big chain stores or smaller specialty stores? Small specialty store, you find more unique gifts that way
7. Wrap gifts yourself or have them wrapped at the store or mall? Part of the fun is wrapping the gifts
8. Shopping on *Black Friday* (day after Thanksgiving)...did you or didn't you? Hell No!
9. Is your holiday gift list large or small? Way to long
10. Is it better to give or to receive? Much better to give. I love watching peoples faces when they get something they really want or didn't expect

I'm almost an Aunt

My sister went to the doctor yesterday . The baby is on his way. It could take a while though. They said she shouldn't expect him over the weekend but by Monday he should be ready to meet the world. I can't wait. I am on vacation next week so I get to spend it with my sister and hopefully my new nephew. The child hasn't even been born yet and I have already spoiled him beyond belief. I think I have bought every piece of children's clothing that they sell at Target That's in addition to the toys and books and stuff. I can't wait to take him to Yankee Gamesand fishing and all kinds of other fun stuff. That's the best thing about being an aunt. I get to spoil the kid and let him do whatever he wants and then send him home to mom. This is going to be great!

The Sky is Falling

Ok so of the 400 things in my apartment that need to be fixed the landlord has been insisting for months that he is going to have the roof redone. Fine, great we need it. But of course we didn't believe him because his last project, the aluminum siding, took him a year and a half. We low and behold today, the one day that I have a late shift at work and can sleep in, the roofers show up at 7:00am. There are about 12 of them all on the roof scraping and hammering and drilling and who the hell know what else. Since sleep was out of the question I got up and did the laundry and had breakfast. I figure then that it's a good time to take a shower. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to shower with strange men outside your bathroom window. Granted, we have blinds in the window so you can't really see in and I'm sure they have better things to do but it is still uncomfortable. So I went with the speed shower and I don't think I got all of the conditioner out of my hair and put my jeans on while I was still dripping wet. You see, of course, the ladders were all around the house and I could see the guys walking up and down the ladders all morning which means they could also see in so getting dressed in the privacy of my own room was out of the question.

Finally dressed and ready to relax I sat down to watch some t.v. as a had a few hours left to kill before work. All of a sudden I felt something hit me in the head. I looked around and didn't see anything and figured it must have been the cat or something. A few minutes later I feel something pelt me in the leg. This time I look down and see a huge nail on the floor. Then another. I look up and realize that the nails are coming out of the ceiling. The guys outside are banging so hard they are knocking all the nails out of the sheet rock or what ever it is up there. Now I am frantic because we things hanging on the walls and all kinds of crap on the dresser and stuff. While I am trying to move the majority of the breakables I hear this crackling sound. I look up and see that part of the ceiling is about to fall. With my cat like reflexes I run over and put my hands up just in time to catch the panel. Of course it didn't break all the way it is still partially attached to the ceiling and It's to big for me to try to pull of so it is lying across the bed and resting against the floor. There are chunks of ceiling all over the bed, floor and rest of the room. What a fiasco. I finally had to leave for work praying the whole way there that the rest of the ceiling remains intact until c. or I gets home.

I think now is a good time to also mention that:

• every time someone takes a shower the kitchen ceiling leaks


• the kitchen cabinets are falling off the walls in addition to the ceiling tiles falling in


• the oven door doesn't close all the way so the wood on either side is charred from the heat and there is no temperature dial (it melted from the heat because the door doesn't close) so you don't really know what temperature you're cooking at


• the freezer ices over and just keeps building and the freezer space gets smaller and smaller every once in a while when we defrost the freezer we find something in the abyss of ice


• Ice forms around the cooling rods in the refrigerator and then defrosts pretty much daily leaving a puddle of about 3 inches of water at the bottom of the fridge under the drawers. As you can imagine, if a day or 2 goes by and I don't get a change to empty it out, well, stagnant water in the fridge, enough said.


• We still have a cesspool (because the landlord is to cheap to get a sewer installed)which fills up and makes a nice bubbling pool of crap in the middle of the yard.

Sometimes I fell like I am living in the house from The Money Pit I can't wait to get home and see what condition the house is in, if it is still standing, that is.

This or That Tuesday
Potpourri, Part Two!

1. Long or short hair? Long, I like to have something to run my fingers through.
2. Microwave or conventional oven? Nothing beats good 'ol home cooking in the conventional oven.
3. Plain or Peanut M&M's? Peanut M & M's Rule!!!
4. "101 Dalmations"...animated or live-action version? Animated, although I thought Glenn Close was fab as Cruela
5. Drink out of bottle/can or pour into a glass? Screw the glass, us real white trash gals drink from the bottle.
6. Sunlight or moonlight? Moonlight, I am definitley a night owl.
7. Kermit the Frog or Miss Piggy? I've always been partial to Kermit.
8. Glasses or contact lenses (or neither)? Thank heaven for contacts.
9. Action movies or chick flicks? I hate to admit it but.... Chick Flicks
10. Toilet seat...up or down ? Put the damn toilet seat down. Thank you for your support.

Back in BusinessHooray!! My template is back.

They opened an Applebee's in the shopping plaza near my apartment so c. and I thought we would try it out last night. the food was pretty good but the highlight of my overly dull life was the guy who was walking around making balloon animals and shapes for all the patron's. At first I though he must be there with a kids party because there were a ton of families there but turns out he was trying to promote himself for parties and stuff and he is there every Monday night. So there I am in the restaurant, any as a 5 year old, just hoping that he will come to my table to make me a balloon animal. I don't know what it is but there are 2 things that no matter how old I get or what I am doing will always make me smile and feel like a kid again, BALLOONS & BUBBLES Well, after about 3 raspberry margaritas, he finally came over and asked me if I wanted a balloon. I smiled sheepishly and said "Was it that obvious?". He asked what I wanted and I said anything so he started blowing up 6 balloons. I was a little perplexed at why he needed so many but with a few twists and a Tada he made a monkey climbing a palm tree with a banana hanging down. It was the coolest think. I took a picture of it with my digital camera and will hopefully be able to post the picture soon.

?????

Well, I went to update my template and add a few things and the template is blank. There is no code. I am at a loss. I hope it magically appears as quickly as it disappeared

I Believe

This was too heart warming to pass up. I know I'm a cheesball. What can I say? Thank you to ZT for sending this.

She is 92 years old, petite, well poised, and proud. She is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coifed, and her makeup perfectly applied, in spite of the fact she is legally blind. Today she has moved to a nursing home. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making this move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, where I am employed, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet curtains that had been hung on her window.

"I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

"Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room...just wait," I said.

Then she spoke these words that I will never forget:

"That does not have anything to do with it," she gently replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not, does not depend on how the furniture is arranged. It is how I arrange my mind. I have already decided to love it. It is a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice. I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work or I can get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do work. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I will focus on the new day and all of the happy memories I have stored away...just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you have already put in.

I Believe

• that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.


• that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.


• that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.


• that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.


• that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.


• that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.


• that you can keep going, long after you can't.


• that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.


• that either you control your attitude or it controls you.


• that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.


• that money is a lousy way of keeping score.


• that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.


• that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.


• that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.


• that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.


• that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.


• that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.


• that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other... And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.


• that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.


• that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.


• that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.


• that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.


• that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.


• that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

Tuesday's This or That

This was "borrowed" from Cybertoad's Blog on Life

1. Hershey's Kisses: with or without almonds? Definitly without
2. Wizard of Oz: Scarecrow or Tin Man? Scarecrow...I'm still searching for a brain
3. Meat eater or vegetarian? Meat eater
4. Buy books or borrow them? Buy them, and they must be hardcover
5. At the bank: ATM or human teller? ATM, theres no need for human contact when it comes to my money. I love the electronic age
6. Oil or gas (or other) heat? Other, friction heat (he! he!)
7. Pen or pencil? Pen, I like things permanent
8. Drive or use public transit? Drive, once you make the transition, you will never go back to public transportation
9. Who IS James Bond: Sean Connery or Pierce Brosnan (or any of the others in between)? Sean Connery, hands down, no contest
10. Your ideal breakfast: full (bacon/sausage, eggs, pancakes, etc) or continental (bagels, muffins, fruit, cereal)? Full, but not in the a.m. I like my breakfast for dinner

Be Nice to the Telephone Operator

Why do people insist on yelling at me for things I have absolutely no control over. I didn't create th product, I didn't make it defective, I just have the pleasure of being on the other end of the telephone. Not that people don't have a right to be upset but for goodness sake let me get a word in edgewise. I may have some insight into your problem and maybe just maybe by the power of all that is good and right I may have an answer. Only you'll never know because you won't SHUT UP!!! O.K. I'm better now.

Fun for Women of all Ages

I am listening to the radio the other morning, Z-100, and they were talking about the Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 BroomWhile this looks like your ordinary boring toy, it has a feature that has parents. mothers of your girls especially, up in arms. The broom vibrates. Need I say more. Apparently there is a petition going around that parents are planning to send to Mattel to get the product recalled or at least to prevent them from making more. What is the world coming to. Where in the world are these girls getting the idea to use the broom for purposes other than intended. And if girls between the ages of 6-12 are figuring out other recreational uses for the thing, don't you think at least one of the mature minded employees at Mattel, even if only joking, though about it.

Lets face it. Society today is considerably more perverse than it was even 10-15 years ago. Look at what they have done to the Disney movies. People claim to have heard subliminal messages in Aladdin & the Lion King, as well as seen phallic symbols in the Little Mermaid. Check out this site that has a pretty comprehensive list of current Urban Legends The topic of sex or sexuality is such a taboo, it has become that much more intriguing to today's youth. While I believe that there is a time and place for everything, and that includes educating children about the finer points in life, we can't hide from these discussions. We don't give children the credit they are due. We seem to think that children are incapable of understanding certain situations and that somehow, as they age, they miraculously develop into educated and well adjusted young adults. Think about it for a second. Where are they supposed to learn coping skills. What is the right age to start discussing things like sex, death, pregnancy. Back to the topic of the Disney Stories, these fairy tales were ripped off from The Brothers Grimm and Hans Christian Anderson They weren't these candy coated, always happy ending stories you see today. The stories were originally created to educate children, to teach them life lessons through storytelling. Read a few of those good old fairy tales and you'll see what I mean. I think that to some degree our attempts to protect are children from the world, sometimes also prevent them from having essential experiences that help to mold them into, self confident adults.

Let me give you a perfect example. When I was growing up, my mother wanted to shelter us from every bad experience and impropriety in the world. This included TV and in the movies. Cable TV was the devil and forbidden in our home. We didn't get to go to the movies very often, and when we rented them. my mother would fast forward any kissing scenes. Years later I would see movies on TV and realize I had missed half the story because my mom didn't want us to see to people kissing. One of the worst experiences was when the movie Dirty Dancing came out. My mother refused to let me see the movie strictly because of the title. Now while she was very affectionate with her children, it was inappropriate to be affectionate with a man outside the bedroom. What made things more confusing was we were also not allowed to know what went on in the bedroom. We were never taught about physical relationships and intimacy. Now I was raised in a traditional conservative family. You waited until you were married to have sex, and it wasn't sex it was making love, yada yada. Of course there is nothing wrong with this theory, however it is not always practical.

Well fastforward to adulthood and my dysfunctional relationships because you can't hit the fastforward button to avoid kissing scenes in real life and I was so uncomfortable in intimate situations and with myself. Thank goodness for college, which is not always for a textbook education. I had my share of embarrassing hook ups and sweet intimacies and found that comfort zone. My point is however, because I was not taught about these things my only reference was movie relationships or the twisted and dysfunctional relationships of friends. Well how disappointing to find out that true love doesn't always ride up on a white horse with a dozen roses and embody perfection.

I have learned that real life is hard work but well worth it. Although sometimes I wish that I had had a more open relationship with my parents and been able to ask questions about love and relationships and sex. One thing I can say to my parents credit, I may not have waited until I was married, but I was much older and wiser and grateful that I waited for my first time. I was in a committed relationship, deeply in love and it was a beautiful experience. But I digress as usual.

Children would be able to play with a silly toy without causing controversy if we were more comfortable discussing with our children things that are and are not appropriate. Boy it took an awful long time to get to the point. The soapbox is retired for today. Y'all come back now as I am sure I will find plenty o' topics to preach about tomorrow.

The Make-Up and a Migraine

Well c. and I had a long talk and I think he understands where I am coming from. He admitted he should never have said he would be home because he knew he wouldn't. He just wanted to lessen his own guilt. It feels really nice to know that I can talk to him about how I am feeling or when I am frustrated and we don't have to argue about it. We lay everything out on the table talk about it and then let it go. Now don't get me wrong, I am sure we will have this conversation again because, he is not perfect and he will do it again, but he is coming around. Little by little he is realizing that being in a relationship does not mean that you have to give up your friends or your freedom. You do however need to remember that the decisions you make also now effect another person.

I have had the worst migraine for the past 3 days. It has gotten so bad that my vision is blurry and I am so nauseous. I don't think many people can sympathized when I say I have a headache. They don't realize that I live with this every day of my life and when I say my head hurts it doesn't mean I have an annoying headache, like the kind you get when you drank a little to much the night before or when you haven't eaten all day, that's normal for me, I mean that I am in a considerable amount of pain. It is physically and emotionally draining. I have tried medication but to no avail. It is difficult on top of all of my sinus, allergy, asthma crap that I have to take daily. I would just be nice to feel really good for a day or two in a row. I can always hope...

Random acts of Insensitivity

Do they pull young men aside in school and give them a class on how to be an insensitive jerk? I think they do. Women get the class on menstruation and men get the class on how to be a dick and accept zero responsibility for your actions. The weekend actually started of pretty nice. I was home cooking dinner (eggplant parmesan and pasta) and c. came home early form work. He decided to get the laundry done while I was finishing dinner so we wouldn't have to worry about it the rest if the weekend. How sweet right. So he went to the Laundromat and ran a bunch of errands while the clothes were drying so we could spend the rest of the evening together. So we ate and then he fell asleep. How romantic. In his defense he did have to work Saturday morning.

Saturday morning he got up and was off to work by 7:00am. I figured I might as well get up and start my day so all of my chores would be done by the evening. I ended up stopping over at my mothers house because she wasn't feeling well and brought her some of the leftover chicken parm and we sat and hung out for the afternoon. By 5:30 I headed home figuring I would call c. to find out how his day at work was going and what his plan was for the evening. Turns out his brother called and they went out to dinner and were heading back to m's house to hang out. c. insisted he was tired and would be home fairly soon.

Aside
At this point I hung up the phone and thought. O.K. I am on my own for the evening. c & m are going to be hanging out all night and he will stumble in, in the wee hours of the morning. I figured this was a good time for me to finish White Oleander This is an amazing book by Janet Fitch which they have recently turned into a movie. Anyway, I curl up with my book and wait for the phone call from c. telling me that he won't be home till late.

Well around 8:30 the phone rings and guess who it is. You guessed it. So he tells me that they stopped on the way to m's house a got a 12 pack of beer and he though he would be responsible and not drive home. He was spending the night. He felt just awful leaving me alone on a Saturday night, but not to worry because we had all day Sunday to spend together. Of course he is well aware that I spend every Sunday at my elderly Grandmothers house. Not only is he aware of this but he also knows how important and special this time is for me. My Grams is getting older and her memory is not what it used to be. She is forgetting a lot of things so I want to spend as much time as I can with her while she is still coherent. So c. promises that he will be home early and we will go to Grams's house together and then spend the evening together.

My retort was more of a request to c. that he not make any promises because if and when he broke his promise I would be pissed. While I know in his heart and mind he really did want to come home and spend the day with me and the intention was there, I knew full well he would stay up half the night with m and be to tired and hung over to come home. So I tell him this and he insists that he is tired and won't be staying up to much longer. There is no problem being home by 9:00am. He'll be there don't worry.

So, I hang up the phone and the knot in my stomach begins to tighten. Please, Please, Please do not let me down. Well as expected 10:00 came and went and no c. and no phone call that he was on his way. So I went to Grams and of course she asks where he is. Why I feel the need to cover up for him I don't know. Actually I don't have the heart to tell my Grams sorry, c. is to tired & hung over and you are just not important enough for him to drag his sorry ass out of bed for. The worst part is he ruined my day and I don't understand why I allow him to do that. I already knew he wouldn't be there but it hurt anyway.

Well 1:00 rolls around and my cell phone rings. He is finally home and poor thing is just to tired and he feels like crap. Does he really think I am going to fell bad that he feels like crap. He didn't even apologize. He makes me so mad. I know that this isn't the biggest thing in the world but it pisses me off that he expects me to drop everything when he wants me to go somewhere with him but when the tables are turned he can blow me off so easily and not even fell bad about it. When I finally got home Sunday he was sleeping so I couldn't even talk to him about it. I don't want to fight, I just want him to understand how disappointed and hurt I am. Of course I couldn't start a conversation this morning before work so it is still unresolved. Now It will be a fight because c. knows I am upset and it is going to fester all day.

We spend so little time together as it is, I don't want to spend it fighting. I don't ever complain about the long hours he works, or the times he wants to spend with his friends and I don't ask for much. Just show me the same common courtesy I show you. Don't make promises you can't keep and accept ressponsibility for your acctions. Apologize when you know you you were wrong. I don't think that is to much to ask. I don't know, maybe I am wrong.

Blog of Faith

It's funny how the world works sometimes. I have 4 cousins who were pregnant and all due in succession from June to September. The first three had a myriad of problems during the pregnancies but had beautiful healthy children. The 4th of these cousins, the healthiest of all, who followed all of the doctors orders and never had a single problem or complaint, had a stillbirth. As you can image the family was devastated. This sparked a discussion with my mom about "God" and faith.

My mom has always been a very religious person and had a strong faith. I on the other hand have always questioned my faith and I don't believe in "God", conventionally that is. I don't believe in any kind of organized religion but I also recognize that it is pretty naive to think that there is no existence of an omnipotent force or "higher power " as some people refer to it. In light of recent events my mom has really been questioning her faith. She is having a hard time justifying or reasoning how "God" could take a child, especially from someone like j.f. She is angry and hurt and is directing that anger towards "God". This is where our discussion became slightly heated.

I believe strongly in the theory of metaphysics. It is fairly complicated and would take to long to explain all at once. For anyone who is interested Richard Matheson wrote an incredible book that explains metaphysics in a condensed and simple way. Its calledThe Path If you get the chance check it out. Anyway, part of this theory is the belief that everything happens for a reason. I don't think that our lives are predestined because we do, after all, have free will but I do think that there is a reason for every experience we have in our lives. While we may not always be capable of recognizing the reason, there is one. Now of course my mothers first question was "So, tell me why this happened. What is the reason for it.?" This was my explanation, in short.

Of course when tragedy plagues us, we are not capable of recognizing that there could be a reason for the event. Our grief and despair consume us. This is part of the process. You grieve, you deal, you accept and you begin to heal. This healing process can take days, months, years or a lifetime. We are not always meant to know why things happen when they happen because we are not always prepared or willing to accept answers. All things are revealed in their own time. We then have the choice to do with that information what we will. We can learn form it and grow as a person or we can choose to ignore it. Now this is where things can get tricky. Events can effect different people in many different ways, and while something may seem pointless to you can be a life-altering event for someone else. Not everything is meant to have a meaning for everyone, but is meant to have a meaning for someone.

Well my mom and a lot of other people have a hard time accepting this theory (which I have overly simplified in this example. there is so much more involved) . I understand that because it is had to wrap your mind around. But during this whole argument I realized something. While not conventional, I have a stronger faith than my mother who has been a church going catholic for her whole life. There is nothing that she or anyone else could possibly say that would change my belief that everything happens for a reason, because I have faith. Figure that out.

Now I am sure that some people would say that I must never have had anything really bad or tragic happen in my life to think this way. Quite the contrary. I have experience more in my 28 years than most people will in a lifetime. I have lost family, friends, and acquaintances by natural causes, their own hand, and through tragic events. Being a New Yorker I was effected immensely by the events of September 11th. The only reason I can give as to how I have survived it all and still maintain my sanity and can still function as an active member of society...My Faith. And all this time I didn't think I had any.

The Makeover Blog

Well I have returned from the great beyond. Things have not gone exactly according to my plan but I guess you have to roll with the punches. My current living arrangement is, how can I put it delicately, less than desirable. We are making due with the roommates from hell, but unfortunately space issues or lack of space I should say, have prevented me from setting up my computer. I will have to abuse my privileges at work to maintain this blog. We'll just call it a bonus. I have earned it.

As you can see, not only my address has changed but so has my template. This is a little more my style. Hopefully there will be plenty to read from now on as my life has become somewhat more eventful. Until next time....

Missing Persons Report

I am currently between residences and have not had the opportunity to blog. With any luck I will be settled in my new temporary residence with in the next week and my internet access will be restored. And hopfully my permanent residence (a brand spanking new house) will be settled by the end of the year. Hooray!

Being a responsible adult really sucks.

TTFN

Welcome Back Blog

Ok, so I have been totaly consumed with the website I made for my boyfriends new niece Angie. She is such a doll. I have to say that I am very impressed with how it turned out, being that it was my first attempt at a site completely on my own. Now I am hooked. I can't wait to start my next one. I am going to have to register my own domain so I can get rid of all those damn banner ads. My next project will be coming up with a domain name. NameBoy will be my new best friend until I decide on one.

After last summer's sunburn fiasco which left me taking prednisone to relieve the inflamation and pain you would think I would learn but alas, I again have charbroiled my legs. I never used to burn. When I was a kid I would walk out in the sun and tan almost instantaniously. The older I get the faster I burn. I know this and yet I continue to venture outside unprotected. I was watching c. play softball and sitting out in the beautiful weather enjoying the day. I was actually excited that I might start off the summer looking more like a human being with some color, not the corpse I usally look like. Anyway, a couple of hours passed and I started to realize how hot my legs were feeling. Well by this point it was already to late. I was toast. It pisses me off that c. can sit outside for either 10 minutes or 10 hours, it really doesn't matter how long, and he just bronzes. It's not right I tell ya!!

All in all I had a really good weekend. I hung out with m.s. and c.h. on saturday and saw a movie. Then we abducted j.c from work to go play pool. I had fun even though I sucked. Pool is one of theose games that I could watch for hours. I love to not only watch but play people who are better than me. I understand the fundamentals of the game and I can map out a table immediately following the break. I can read the table and see each shot as it should be, my skills however prevent me from executing this vision. I haven't quite mastered the art of English.

Well I suppose I should get back to work seeing as that's what they pay me for.........Until we meet again.

The Absenteeist Blog

OK so I know I haven't blogged in like forever but I have a good reason. I am designing a website for my boyfriends brother as a virtual birth announcement. Angie was born last wednesday and I have some great pictures I am posting along with all your basic height, weight, etc. I'll link to it when It is done. Anyhow, I found this on TrishsDream and thought it was sweet and worth sharing.

The A-Z of Friendhip

A Friend...

(A) ccepts you as you are
(B) elieves in "you"
(C) alls you just to say "HI"
(D) oesn't give up on you
(E) nvisions the whole of you
(F) orgives your mistakes
(G) ives unconditionally
(H) elps you
(I) nvites you over
(J) ust to "be" with you
(K) eeps you close at heart
(L) oves you for who you are
(M) akes a difference in your life
(N) ever Judges
(O) ffers support
(P) icks you up
(Q) uiets your fears
(R) aises your spirits
(S) ays nice things about you
(T) ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U) nderstands you
(V) alues you
(W) alks beside you
(X) plain things you don't understand
(Y) anks your chain just for fun.
(Z) aps you back to reality

Anyone looking for some help with backgrounds for sites check out Backgrounds by MarieThe site has a ton of great images and sets. You can even design your own layed background. Thats all for now.

The Conformist Blog

This is actually kind of cute so I thought I would follow suit.

1. Animals/Pets: black cat named Magic (actually she is my boyfriends but I have adoped her as my own)
   
2. Best Friend: c.a. and my mom
   
3. Cohabitants: Dad & Grandma
   
4. Desire(s): Audition for a Broadway Musical, Get my freak on in Yankee Stadium, to have children, not in that order
   
5. Eye Color: Brown Eyed Girl
   
6. Favorite Food(s): McDonald's french fries, seafood
   
7. Games: PacMan, solitair, spades old school stuff
   
8. Habit(s): nail biting
   
9. Interests: Softball, Pool, culinary arts, crafts, music, writing
   
10. Job: tech-support/customer service
    
11. Kitchen (Wonder or Blunder?): Wonder
    
12. Languages: English, poco un italiano
    
13. Most Valued Possession(s) (an item, not people/pets): photo albums
    
14. Name (Named after?): Alison, my mom just always liked the name
    
15. Outfit You Love: My Denver Broncos hooded sweatshirt and a pair of boot cut jeans
    
16. Pizza Toppings: pepperoni, mushrooms, black olives
    
17. Question Asked To You the Most: When are you moving out?????
    
18. Relationship/Partner: Long term relationship with my best friend
    
19. Sport: (Playing) Softball (Watching) baseball, football
    
20. Television Show(s): Sopranos , The Osbournes , any reality t.v. (i know, I know, but I can't help it), Anything on the Food Network
    
21. Unsavory characteristic(s): a little to anal retentive for my own good.
    
22. Video (Favorites): Goonies, When Harry met Sally, Meet the Parents, Matrix to many to list
    
23. Webpage (Favorite--not your own): yahoo.com - a little generic but you can get anywhere from here
    
24. Xylophone (or other Instrument?): Clarinet, piano a little (self taught)
    
25. Year Born: 1974
    
26. Zodiac Sign: Capricorn
    

Take me out to the Ball Game

I have to say, hands down, without a doubt, one of the greatest experiences in life has to be going to a major league baseball game at Yankee Stadium. I would love to say going to a game at any major league ballpark, but there us just something about the stadium in the Bronx that sets it apart from the rest. I've been to a few other stadiums and they can't compare. First and fore most one of life's little triumphs is battling traffic on the cross island parkway, getting to the ez-pass lane on the triboro bridge and making it to the stadium in one piece.

Once you reach the stadium there is this energy that consumes you. It is impossible not to get electrified and excited. I'm like a kid in a candy store. I have my ticket in hand from the second I step out of the car as I speedwalk feverishly to the gate. And as they tear that ticket in half and hand me back my stub, the hair on the back of my neck starts to rise. "I'm in Yankee Stadium!" Now, those faint smells you noticed in the parking garage surround you. Hot dogs, cotton candy, popcorn, soft pretzels, peanuts and beer. If they could only bottle that ballpark scent. Someone could make a fortune. At any other time the combination of so many different aromas would be enough to make someone ill, but not in a ballpark. There it smells like heaven.

The commotion of fans racing to their seats and stocking up on goodies for the game is amusing. We all look like ants in one of those ant farms running through the maze of tunnels. As you ride the escalator up, up ,up to the tier reserved seats year heart begins beating faster, faster you almost can't contain your excitement. The homestretch, walking the tunnel you can see the sun shining outside and as you approach your quicken your step. Finally, you reach the end and gaze out across the ballpark and for a split second your heart skips a beat and you hold your breath. The groundcrew is drawing the lines on the field and raking the infield. The players are warming up doing sprints in the outfield. You climb to your seat in utter amazement of the wonder that is major league baseball. And if you're lucky and get to the field early enough, you can tour Monument Park. Words can not describe the feeling walking through and reading about the likes of

• # 3 Babe Ruth
  
• # 4 Lou Gehrig
  
• # 7 Mickey Mantle
  
• # 5 Joe D.
  
• # 15 Thurman Munson
  
• # 37 Casey Stengel
  

and many others.

Once the feeling of awe subsides you return to your seat and the anticipation grows until you hear them announce the lineup. The roar of the crowd as the Bronx Bombers take the field is like nothing you have ever heard before. It is amazing you can take such pride in a team of, for all intense purposes, strangers. I have never met any of the players. I only know of them what I have read and yet I support and cheer for them as if they were my family and I will defend them to the death. The NY Yankees are the greatest team in baseball history. Let me clarify that, this is not simply what I felt during my first experience at a game. This happens each and every time I attend a game which, as I get older, becomes more and more frequent.

In closing, while I know that not everyone has the opportunity to get to Yankee Stadium, got to your nearest major league ballpark at least once in your life, and if there isn't a major league park, go to a minor league game or even a little league game and cheer for your hometown team. It's the simple things in life that make it worthwhile. Enjoy the game.

Blog For Thought

Talk amongst yourselves. Let me give you a topic.

Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Discuss!!

It's Baby Fever

I don't know what they are putting in the water but it seems like everyone is having babies.Not only are there about a billion prego's at work I have 4 cousins and my sister who are pregnant. I'm not even going to mention My Biological Clock. It's funny, but when my sister told me she was pregnant I just assumed she was having a girl. On my recent trip to Dublin I bought her a christening bonnet for the baby that you are supposed to keep and can be turned into a handkercheif when she grows up and gets married. I never considered the fact that she might have a boy. The thought is almost inconceivable. In addition, I don't think that the useless waste of space (otherwise know as her husband) has enough testosterone in his body to produce a male child. I guess I just associate my sisters personality with the type of child she would have. She likes dressing up and frilly things and hates sports (other than golf) and getting messy. She'll have her kid dolled up in little pink dresses with bows in her hair wearing white gloves and sipping tea.

Not me. I want boys. All boys. I love sports, and getting messy and being rough and outspoken, which are all qualities which are more readily accepted in boys. I don't do frilly and I don't do dresses. No Barbie Dolls allowed. I hope that by the time I am ready to have kids you'll be able to take a pill to determine the sex of the child. Wouldn't that be awesom. Well, If my movie deal with m.s and c.h doesn't pan out I have a future in Genetics

And speaking of our movie deal, if The Blair Witch Project can make a shitload of money with 3 really bad actors and a camcorder, so can we.

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Blog Angst

If any one has any suggestions on how I might correct this annoying situation to the right------------------------------>
I would be most greatful. It's bugging the hell out of me that i can't get these 2 boxes even and without that annoying blank space at the bottom. With my novice html writting status my eyes are about to pop right out of my head trying to keep track of my tags.
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration?

The Judgment Blog

The sole purpose of this blog is so that I can be judgmental and make unfounded generalizations about individuals and groups of people. Let's begin. The entire marketing department of my company (and I imagine many other companies) SUCKS ASS. It's like the blind leading the blind. What school did these people go do? Do they actually have a degree? Come to think of it, I don't remember seeing a diploma on the wall. No one can make a decision without first checking with ten other people so you have to wait unreasonable amounts of time for a simple yes or no answer. Then you present them with concrete facts about why something isn't going to work or should be changed and their answer is "Why don't we wait and see how things play out". So we wait and then we get overwhelmed with complaints and threats of law suits and viola! They do exactly what we originally asked them to from the beginning. Even though we talk to the customer all day every day, nobody listens (except for j.m.) because we don't have a little piece of paper that says B.A Marketing. Well my degree is in COMMON SENSE and its the only one I need. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that if you offer the customer something it is impossible to provide they're gonna be pissed.

Next...Are they teaching a new class in school "Be really rude to the telephone operator because then, you're sure to get your way." The lesson plans looks something like this.

1. Never let the operator finish their greeting. Interrupt immediately when they answer the phone
   
2. Even though you have heard the company name several times while on hold and the operator repeats it in their greeting always ask "Is this company so and so?" Just to be sure.
   
3. Spout off random bits of information in no apparent order or context and always in the form of a statement so the operator won't know if you are asking a question or telling them something. Keep them on their toes.
   
4. If the operator asks you a question and offers several choices for a response always answer "YES"
   
5. If at all possible, find someone who speaks and understands less english than you to conduct the conversation with the operator. This is always a crowd pleaser
   
6. If at any time there is a pregnant pause in the conversation, immediately begin to tell the operator your life story because this will help them immensely in servicing you and will not distract them in any way.
   
7. You are the only customer to ever have a special circumstance or special need and the operator will never again in their life ever have to make an exception so don't believe them when they tell you that they can not help you.
   
8. If you don't get exactly what you are looking for, proceed to blame the telephone operator because what they don't want you to know is that they have the power to change company policy as well as some state and federal laws to get you what you want.
   
9. Never, Never, Ever get the name of anyone you have spoken with previously. This way they can't verify any information you claim to have been told by someone else.
   
10. Don't ever thank the operator for their time, this is a sign of weakness and the operator may try take advantage of your kindness and lie to you because it makes their job easier.
    
11. If all else fails hang up and dial again. You can probably find another operator who will crumble under the pressure and promise you anything you want.
    
    Advanced courses available in e-mail combat, conniving, complaining, and how to scam customer relations with your sob story. Don't people know if you can effectively communicate your disappointment in a product without being rude and can support your claim with basic facts you can get a ton of free shit. Maybe I should teach a class.
    

And my last rant for the evening, my significant others roomates j.d. & c.d. It amazes me that two people can be so elf centered and inconsiderate. c. has been living in this apartment for like 8 years. When his old roomates moved out j.d moved in and then a month later j.d. asked his girlfriend c.d. to move in without even asking c. Well no biggie for c. because not his rent is lower and he has more money. He's easygoing that way. Anyhow, they have taken over the apartment like they have been living there forever and are kind enough to rent c. a room. Their crap is spread all over the whole apartment. They are pigs. they never wash their dishes so they pile up in the sink until we need to wash them so we can eat or c. gets fed up and cleans them. I wash more dishes at his house than at my own and the worst part is they always eat shit with sauce on it and they don't even rinse the stuff off so by the time I or c. gets to it the sauce is dried and caked on. j.d. has a son b. who is 4 years old and spends random nights and weekends at the house. j.d sits him in front of the t.v to watch nickelodeon or play video games where he learns to shoot people and say things like fuck you or your a shit head etc. When b. gets antsy from sitting around all day and bugs j.d. to pay attention to him he gets yelled at. So b. gets rowdy and makes a mess all over the place downstairs and it takes them days to clean it up. You can't buy any food and leave it in the freezer because they eat it. Don't even get me started on the monthly/daily/hourly fights that j.d. & c.d. get into and then I have to listen to c.d. as she cries how mean he is to her and she wants to move out and she can't take it anymore and then 5 minutes later they are fucking on the dryer in the laundry room or c.d. is giving him a handjob on the couch while we are all sitting around watching a movie.

So anyway, In case you were wondering, my feeling today is that I am better than all of these people in fact I think that I might just be the greatest person alive. Deal with it. I'll be kinder tomorrow

Like sands through the hour glass so are the blogs of our lives

Do you ever get the feeling when your at work that, no matter how hard you try and how much you accomplish your day was wasted and your time would have been better spent is you just hadn't gotten out of bed this morning. Sometimes I get so caught up in the chaos surrounding me and trying to organize and be efficient that I forget that there are other people around me. I don't do it intentionaly but when I get focused on something, whatever I happen to be working on at the moment, I block out everything else and I am off in my own little world. I think it's because I have had so many jobs where I didn't care to socialize with many of my co-workers.

It's not that I did't like them or that we couldn't get along but more so that we just had a different work ethic and that puts a strain on a working environment and is not condusive to friendship development. When I go to work I try to get as much done as I can in the shortest amount of time, so that in the event that something major pops up, the majority of my daily busywork is done and I can focus on the task at hand. My co-workers on the other hand spent the majority of their trying to find.make excuses why they couldn't/should't/wouldn't do the work. That's not how I operate. I am getting paid to do a job so I do it and if I have to take on a few added responsibilities because it makes my job easier, so be it. Well as you can image this does not sit well with said co-workers who now tend to look bad on a daily basis because if you can manage all of this work on your own, why can't they collectively finish even the most basic tasks on time. In addition, I can't stand the bullshit that goes on in most offices. I could care less about the gossip which is why I am usually out of the loop when stuff actually does happen. So you tend to block it all out and just do your own thing. You are cordial and participate in general conversation, but he second the gossip whore's start up, you zone out. Which brings me to my next point. The back stabbing. It is hard to develop relationships with people you know you can't trust because the second you turn around they will stab you in the back. I will never understand how someone can blantently lie and take credit for someone else's work. Or try to blame someone else for their mistakes. For fuck's sake, admit it when you screw up. People will respect you more for being honest and having the testicular fortitude to take responsibility for it.

In any case, I have learned to just do my thing in the midst of it all and not be phased by it. Enter stage left a job I really enjoy and people I love to work with. m.s. and. c.h already know I adore them and I will never cease singing their praises (I am like their own personal reject spartan cheerleader). I completely trust both of them because know they have the same goals and ideas about the job that I do. And they let me fight for the cause because they know I love it. I admit it, I'm the squeaky wheel. Hey somebody has to be right. I do have to say for myself though that I know how to pick my battles and I only go to the mattresses for those things I really think are important. But there are a lot of other people (z.t., j.c, j.s.,) that I really haven't gotten an opportunity to get to know on more than a casual level. I think that I may give off the wrong impression. It's not that I am ignoring anyone or that I don't want to get to know them I am just conditioned to focus on the job. I have to learn to relax a little. My control issues sometimes get the best of me. I want to know how to do everything. It annoys me if there is an an aspect of the job that I don't have a handle on. I want to know every facet of the company as it effects my job. I think it is hard for me to associate socializing with the work environment, not to mention j.m calling me up when i have been in wrap up for more than 2 seconds. You have to find the balance. That's the hard part.

Note to self ---- It is O.K. to enjoy yourself at work and to socialize, the world will not end if all the work is not done at 16:00. You might feel more productive if you contribute to the world itself rather than just the GNP.

The Soap Box Blog

After reading about c.h.'s not so desirable experience with his girlfriend over the weekend I got to thinking. Why is it, that when a person makes a decision that they feel is right for them at any particular time and someone else unfortunately and unintentionally gets hurt as a result, we have been conditioned to feel guilty or feel like we have to make excuses for the decisions we have made. That is totally fucked up. This is why 85% of America is in therapy.

We are so consumed with political correctness and handling others with kid gloves we end up in self-destructive situations where we and those around us are unhappy. Granted, other people’s feelings should most certainly be considered, but only to a certain point. You can't sacrifice yourself to spare someone else's heartache. When I say I speak from experience I mean I am the Jedi Master of dysfunctional relationships. And I don't only mean romantic relationships; I mean all relationships including friendships working relations, family etc. I spent the better part of my life (middle & high school) being walked all over and sacrificing myself to please others. Every decision I made, was made in fear that I would disappoint or hurt someone. I never thought about what I wanted or needed, that concept was foreign, that my feelings counted or that I was even allowed to have feelings never crossed my mind. The old saying is true, you can't please all of the people all of the time. That didn't stop me from trying. You can image what that would do to a person. When you want and need so badly to please someone, and then what you do is not appreciated or noticed or even acknowledged, little by little and without even knowing it turns to anger and sadness. So while you put on a happy face and you laugh at all the jokes, make the jokes most of the time, and you are everyone’s best friend, and you listen to everyone’s problems, and are the best advice giver, and you bear all the burden of the world, no one knows that your dying inside. No one ever even bothers to ask. Why would they you're the happiest person they know.

So what that your mom disappeared one day and didn't come back for weeks and you didn't know where she was. So what that you had to visit her in a hospital because she was sick, but you were to young to understand the difference between mental sickness and physical sickness, and you couldn't make her a card to leave in her room so she knew that you loved her. So what that your parents got divorced any you couldn't understand why. By the way what's an alcoholic and am I going to become one too. So what that your mom was with this new guy and she wanted you to like him and all you wanted to do was hate him and for your parents to get back together. So what that that the car crashed into the telephone pole near the backyard and you watched your neighbor burn to death in the car and no one would let you get the hose from the backyard to put the fire out and the nightmares came again and again and again. What happens when you die? And you aren't pretty enough for the boys to go out with but your cool enough to be one of them and hang out and ask for advise on how to ask out other girls. And you aren't talented enough to get a role in the school play or musical but you can design all the sets and make the programs and do the lighting and sound as well as all the other grunt work but we won't tell anyone you helped. And you can work so hard and plan every detail of an event that they still hold every Halloween at the high school but we will leave your picture out of the yearbook. And that's not a good choice for a major in college. You can't pick something you like you have to pick something where you can make money!

While not all of these things are equally important at that time they felt like the biggest things in the world and I painted on my happy face and went through the motions of every day all the while being consumed by sadness. You start to close yourself off from people and you try to numb yourself to everything. You don't want to feel and you don't want to breathe and you don't want to live. Well folks the answer is not at the bottom of a bottle of pills.

My saving grace was college. I went as far away as I could possibly go and still remain in NY (state schools are much cheaper and I am still paying it off) Enter Buffalo State College I thought that I could start fresh. No one knew me so I could be anyone I wanted. Unfortunately, little did I know, emotional baggage follows you no matter how far you go. That's a whole nother story that will take many blogs to explain.

The point of this whole rant is that we should not feel bad about making choices for ourselves. Everyone deserves to be selfish when it comes to who they are. Don't deny yourself experiences and choices because you are worried about other people. You may not always be the most popular and yes at times you will be disliked, but anyone who know you and is truly a friend will understand if it makes you happy, it is necessary. You have 2 choices in life you can learn from your mistakes, and if you do then there really are no mistakes, or you can choose to ignore life’s lessons and then you are doomed to repeat those mistakes and never find true happiness with yourself or with the world.

An abrupt ending to a long story which I will continue when I have more emotional stamina.
and P.S. the following is for m.s. so she knows she is not the only one who though her stuff was the bomb when she wrote it. And you know what it was. At that time in your life you found a way to express and emotion in a different way. Maybe you couldn't verbalize it in a conversation but it was something that needed to be said. Kudos, this is something that few people have the opportunity or courage to try.

LIIGHTNING

as frightened 

      as I am of 

           lightning 

                 it has 

             an odd 

        beauty 

   reaching 

      down from 

        the heavens 

             to touch the

        humble earth 

     illuminating  

 the darkest 

     night, gone 

         as quickly 

            as it came 

                  then 

                     rain. 

Untitled

Gliding across the azure sky
the epitome of elegance and grace
soaring above the humble earth
a free spirit, hindered by naught
A gentle touch dissipates images
leaving only an essence, captured
etched into the core of existence
an everlasting vision, felt never seen
With mighty force it breaks through
flowing from a source unknown
cleansing and pure, washing o'er
unaware of its powerful testimony
Behold, thy eternal light
casting away shadows of darkness
fear quickly subsides
enter, proceed unto paradise
Doth it beckon? reply and make haste
do not belittle this invitation
heed thy warning, it waits for none
by morrow it is no more

I'm no Emily Dickinson, but I still like them because they mean something to me and I didn't write them for anyone else to read. I wrote them for me so it doesn't matter if anyone else likes them.

GRRRR

Blogging can not continue until my template looks the way I want it to. It's not working. so don't hold your breath.

Warning! Blogging may be contagious

So I am reading m.s's blog to catch up on the recent goings on as it is apparent to all that I have been neglecting the blog.

Aside

I feel I need to, for a moment, explain that
although I was an english major in college
all the principles of grammar that I learned
have been tossed out the proverbial window.

For some inexplicable reason I am unable
to communicate my thought in any other
form than stream of consciousness. So
while I fruitlessly attempt to verbalize in
any coherent fashion, punctuation evades
me and I am left with endless run ons and
grammatically incorrect jargon. m.s. will
have a field day with her red correction pen.
With that said I continue with "My so called
life"

So I am catching up when I realize that I am not the only cheeseball who has seen and can quote from The Pick-Up Artist. My My aren't we children of the 80's. What's next, leg warmers. Hey is it possible to have virtual leg warmers. There's a new domain name for you. virtuallegwarmers.com

Again I must reiterate the difficulty of maintaining a relationship and a blog when the two are not copacetic. My significant other and computers are like vinegar and water. No matter how often you mix them together and how vigorously you stir they just do not mix. I don't get it. I mean he has a computer that is collecting dust under a pile of rubbish in his closet. My repeated attempts to explain the benefits and usefulness of this piece of machinery are wasted. My time would be better spent banging my head against the wall. O.K. so lets review. As cablevision does not carry the yes network c. can not watch any of the yankee games and is constantly trying to catch the score on "The Bottom Line" on ESPN No matter how many times I say "Hey if you set up the computer you can check the score anytime you want, heck you can watch the whole play by play online" and yes, I actually said HECK he never learns. Be patient Grasshopper. All good things come to those who wait. Yes sensei.

So now c.h. has succumbed to the glory of the blog under the guise of education. Hah. Say what you will but no one can resist the power of the blog. "Each time I think I'm out, they pull be back in". c.h. is now the computer Guru at work. The neophytes we work with are so freaked out by our intranet so they come running over to him all day begging for his help. He says click here and hit shift F9 and he is revered a genius. The monument should be erected in the lobby by early fall. I jest. I can't wait to see what he does with his blog. He may not be an expert yet but wait and see. Prepare to be amazed.

On a similar note, while I love my job and most of the work that I do, I pisses me off that the company still can't recognize the potential of our small department. I am no computer whiz. I can hold my own and I understand concepts but I don't love it the way m.s. and c.h. do. If they gave m.s. the oportunity she would have the website redesigned and functioning like clockwork in no time. She is such a customer service oriented person and thats a great balance for me. c.h. well, what can I say excpet that he is amazing. He is going to school to become MCSE certified and could singlehandedly replace CAMPUS. I on the other hand love the organization and statistics of the job. I like the technical side to, don't get me wrong but I prefer fighting for the cause. I am a "going to the mattresses" kind of girl. As anyone will tell you I am very opinionated and am not shy about sharing those opinions with other. While this does not always make me the Fan Favorite, I don't mind because sometimes things need to be said even if they don't always want to be heard. We could do so much for the company if they would only give us the oportunity. How often do you find three people who enjoy working together, who get along well both at work and outside of work, and who compliment each other so well. We could conquer the world if we wanted to. But that would entail leaving our terminals and that just does not compute.

Damn, said non computer friendly significant other is here with nourishment. Until later...................

Blog interrupted

I am rapidly realizing that it is very difficult to maintain a blog when you are in a relationship with someone who does not own a computer. As I spend the majority of my time at his house, hence I am computer deprived and find that, once he has drifted off to sleep I lie awake and try to contrive a plan that would allow me to quickly return home, e-mail, blog and what have you and return to his side without him noticing that I have been gone. Although he is a sound sleeper he always seems to wake up the second I leave the bed. Drat, Foiled again!!

I had the unfortunate experience of attending a wake on Saturday night. J.D.'s father passed away and though I did not know him well (I had only met him once) It was apparent by the turnout at the funeral home he was a well loved man. I actually felt better seeing all of those people and I think it also helped J.D. to see that others recognized the caliber person his father was. A wake is such an awkward event. I spentmost of the evening tring to avoid eye contact with J.D. because I did't know what to say or even what expresion to show. Do I smile and seem insensitive to the situation. Looking forelorn might only add to his stress. I am impressed with how he handled himself in a very difficult situation. He maintained his composure, greeted friends, reletives and people he had never met before which I think really helped his mom. C.A. was even more uncomfortable than I was and J.D. is his roomate. He sat on the couch so rigid and expressionless. He has a difficult time with emotion. But, at least he was there to support his friend. The funeral was this morning. Unfortunately I was unable to attend. I hope J.D. had enough support to make it through the day. Things are going to be difficult for him for a long time. He was very close to his father.

What do you say to someone who has lost a parent. I can even begin to comprehend what he must be going through. I wanted so desperately to offer some great words of wisdom as I have lost people vey close to me, but there are none. It sucks, and it hurts and the hurst doesn't go away, ever. Yes in time the pain eases and you learn how to make it through each day, but how can you explain that to someone and expect it to make them feel better. It is such a helpless feeling, to see some one in pain and know there is nothing that you can do. Time. It sound cliche, but it the truth. Time heals all wounds. Sure it may heal but it still leaves scars thet never go away.