Circle of Friends


I was reading m.s.'s blog and was just going to leave a comment about a remark she made but my thought morphed into a whole philosophical discussion. So here is it.

The Remark
"i've written before that sometimes i wish i knew how to just shut up. tonight d. told me that i'm difficult to talk to because i "overtalk". he speculates that this may be a problem for some of my friends as well."

My Theory
Have you ever just sat back and though about all the people in your life, both close friends and those people you consider friendly acquaintances and even co-workers. It amazes me that they are such an eclectic group. You would think the people who are closest to us, our "best friends" would be just like us. Similar interests and values would make a relationship easy. As I have gotten older and wiser I have learned it is the complete opposite. I find that although I like myself as a person I get bored very easily with people who are to much like me. I enjoy meeting new people and learning about their personalities and how they operate. I guess this is why I have always found it easy to make friends. I am intrigued by people. The more I analyze my friendships the more I realize that each person in my life adds something different to it, brings a different perspective and I thrive on that. We make friends because they fulfill a need in us. Weather it is simply a mutual interest, or because they boost our egos or they challenge us, each person plays a role.

There's an old joke how in every group for example there is the smart one, the attractive one and the village idiot. Take a look at your two closest friends. If one is a supermodel and one is a rocket scientist, guess what? Right. Well as silly as it is the joke has some truth to it. In every group every person plays a part. The funny thing is, you can be one thing to your childhood friends, and something completely different to your adult friends, and even something else to your co-workers. At different times in your life you need people for different reasons and you seek out specific traits in a friend. If you are lucky those relationships develop beyond that initial need and you from lasting relationships. That's why they say it is harder to make friends the older you get. You get more picky because of your life experiences. You know what you want in a friend and you can see through people a lot more easily.

Think about when you were a kid. You were friends with anyone in your class or on your street, maybe with the exception of that weird kid who sat in the corner and ate paste. As you get older you start to notice things you like and dislike about personalities and begin to be more selective about who you spend time with. You object when your parents want to set up play dates with the kids down the street because you want to be with the cool kids from across town. As you become an adult you have found a secure group of close friends and you make acquaintances but your content with the relationships you have formed and often the hustle and bustle of every day life leaves little time to really get to know someone. That is until your needs change.

Let's take for example the microcosm that is my place of employment which I often fondly refer to as the fiery pit of hell. We often joke about writing a screenplay about our daily trials and tribulations and the people that we encounter. A kind of Clerks meetsOffice Space type of thing. We could cast half the movie without even thinking about it because it would have all of your token characters taken to the extreme. People love these movies because you can relate to all of the characters. Do you know why. Because you know someone like each character in all of these movies. While very stereotypical they are also fairly accurate in their portrayals. Think of the brat pack or John Hughes movies of the 80's. Which character are you from

• The Breakfast Club


• Sixteen Candles


• St. Elmo's Fire


• Ferris Buellers Day Off


• Pretty in Pink


• Some Kind of Wonderful


• About Last Night

And how many people do you know like other characters in these movies. That's my point. You play a part. Each of my co-workers, some of which I consider good friends, allows me to give part of myself or offers part of themselves. For example, t.m is like a little sister. She allows me to be motherly and give advise and we have gotten to a point where I feel like she respects my opinion. She knows I will be honest but not judgmental. I offer my help but in return she fulfills that need in me to coddle someone and be protective. j.c. is my debate partner. It seems like whenever I say black he says white. He's never wrong and I am never wrong so we have some heated arguments. Well anyone who knows me knows that I am confrontational and love to argue. It's a mutual understanding that we will disagree about everything and anything but that it's not personal. z.t. intrigues me. She is very exotic and has very different opinions on what is important to her. It is interesting to me to watch her and how she reacts and she amuses me with things she says. She is, and I don't mean this in a negative way, a materialist. She loves high fashion and celebrity lifestyles etc, and this is entertaining to me. I think because I envy her naivete and carefree attitude. I can live vicariously through her as she travels the world.

Close friends however play a more intimate role in your life, especially those friends you have had for an extended period of time. These relationships are more difficult because they are constantly changing. Your life long friends have seen you grow and mature and have been privy to your many changing faces. They understand your moods, and how you will react to certain situations and can adjust accordingly to be a better friend. It is also difficult when one of those close friends makes a new friend or becomes closer with an existing friend. You feel like you are being left out, when this is not always the case. Again, we have our roles and unfortunately we can not be everything to everyone. Sometimes our friends just need something that we can not offer. There are times you just want to kick back and be carefree and you have that friend who is a wild and crazy and who has no responsibility. You know the one who never worries about the consequences. You hang out and you feel that energy if only for that day or even an hour. Then you have that friend who is down to earth and logical and can always rationalize everything and make you see the big picture. You call every time something major happens in your life because you know they will celebrate with you or cry with you and will always know the right thing to say. Then there's the friend who always tells you what you want to hear and the other friend who is always honest even when it's not what you want to hear.

The one thing that I have learned is that no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to completely figure people out. They will always surprise you. Even the ones you think you know best. Especially the one's you know best. So while you worry that your friends may not like a particular personality trait, that may be the exact reason that they want to be around you. Take m.s for example. I met her while I was in training at work. She was friends with my trainer and one day I was outside by myself taking a smoke break and she came outside. She was so friendly and chatty and put me at ease very quickly. We chit chatted about office gossip and such. When I found out they were developing a new department and that both of us had been chosen it was a relief because I felt comfortable with her and new we would be able to work together. While m.s is typically a non confrontational person she has strong opinions and is very vocal about them with people she trusts. Her willingness to be so open and share personal feelings and information about her life enabled me to open up to her about me. I am a very private person. I am honest and if you ask I will offer information about my life but I don't have to many deep conversations about events in my life. It is a rare person who can get me to open up and leave myself vulnerable. m.s. has this amazing ability to verbalize almost anything. She can have a question, talk the whole thing through from beginning to end, and by the end have answered the question or made such an interesting argument that your left thinking about it for the rest of the day. She can take everyday things that we think or feel but can't verbalize and put them into words in a way that seem so simple your like "Why couldn't I think of that or say it that way?. Everyone has a different way of expressing themselves. What a gift to be able to do so verbally and with such ease. Most of us stumble all over ourselves trying to find the right words at the right time. We have to be obscure and hope that others will recognize our attempts to communicate with gestures or pictures and hope they get it. And not only does she have the ability, she has the courage to share herself with others.

c.h. is one of those people that everyone likes. He has that laid back personality and is also non confrontational. He would rather mutter obscenities under his breath than start an argument. He is very expressive in non verbal ways. You can tell what kind of mood he is in by how hard he pounds the keys on the keyboard and how he sits in his chair. you know he is in a good mood when he sings to himself or randomly spouts off comic quips from his favorite offbeat movies. He seems kind of shy and quiet until you get to know him and then there is no keeping him quiet. He is good at EVERYTHING, which if he wasn't so nice would be really annoying. He's into photography and takes some amazing pictures, he's great at bowling, pool and probably everything else he has ever tried. He gives off this energy and it is hard to be in a bad mood when he is around. Even when he is grumpy he makes you laugh without even trying. Have you ever met one of those people who, you can't quite put your finger on it, but there is just something about them you just know that they are special. c.h. is destined for greatness. I can't explain it I just know it
unequivocally.

With that said I leave you with this. You were chosen as a friend for a reason. You don't always have to understand why, just know that you were and are needed and your real friend like you for who you are, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance.
They awaken us to new understanding with the
passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for a while, leave footprints on
our hearts and we are never, ever the same.