Where does the time go?

Has it really been over a year since I have blogged? Yes, I guess I have been a little busy with work, kids and several other new, unexpected and unwanted responsibilities. Emotions run high these days and I don't seem to have a spare minute to find a release. Hopefully, once again, my old friend Subliminal Graffiti will come to my rescue. Can't make any promises but with a little luck I may hang on to my sanity if I unleash here. Only time will tell.

Thanksgiving

We had a quite Thanksgiving at home this year. Grams and Uncle Arthur came which was a pleasant surprise since at 92 (they are twins) neither of them wants to leave the house much anymore.

Chris has started a new tradition of baking a blueberry pie for dessert. (photo left). Grams made her Apple pie (photo right) so we had a battle of the pies. Newbie vs. the Veteran. It was a tough call and we had to eat a lot of pie to judge but after a thorough tasting the winner is ....

Grams apple pie

Halloween

Gavin didn't really get Halloween last year. He loved running around the block, climbing stairs and knocking on doors. He just never wanted to wait for the candy. So I had pretty low expectations this year. I was hoping he would look cute, which our course he did, see for yourself; and I was hoping he would knock on a few doors and actually say trick or treat. No only did he exceed my expectations he managed to charm the whole neighborhood and got way too much candy. At each house it went something like this: 
Gavin: Trick or treat
Neighbor: Oh aren't you just the cutest cow. Here pick which candy you want
Gavin: Oh boy (at which point he reaches into the candy bowl and takes as much as his hand can hold)
Me: Gavin, take one please and say thank you
Gavin: Thank you 
Neighbor: Oh he's so sweet, that's OK you can have a few, in fact here take a few more.

By the 5th house his pumpkin was full and Gavin was just getting started. Halfway through he had so much cany he couldn't even carry the pumpkin anymore. I had to carry it and he would drag it up to the doors to get more. Good thing is since we don't let him have all that much candy he was happy with the handful of M&M's he had when we got home and pretty much forgot all about the rest of the candy. Great for Gavin not so good for mommy and daddy 'cause we ate it all.

Spencer as usual slept through it all but was cute as a button

Boo at the Zoo

I took Gavin and Spencer and met my sister, niece and nephew at the Bronx Zoo for their annual Boo at the Zoo. They have face painting, hayrides, hay maze, magic shows, sing alongs, etc for the kids and they can get goodies throughout the park at the treat stations. Spencer of course slept the whole day away but Gavin, Quinn and Catherine had a great time. They are each individually a handful and when you put them together the are adorable but like a cluster of tornados. We considered the day a success since we only lost one child, Catherine, once and found her within seconds talking to a park ranger.

No matter how often I go I still get giddy about going to the zoo or the aquarium. I am now and always will be a kid at heart and love looking at the animals and riding the carousel. Gavin is still a little young and has a hard time focusing on any one exhibit for more than 10 seconds and he preferes a hands on activity. There is a childrens zoo made just for kids like Gavin where they can touch, crawl, jump and climb just like the animals they see.

My favorite this time around was the butterfly Garden. I managed to get a few geat pictures of the real thing and then a few of my own little bugger!!

I am exhausted and must have walked 10 miles around the zoo but I can't wait to go back again.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink

Chris, my mom and I took Gavin and Spencer pumpkin picking today at Brightwaters Farms I was so excited to see Gavin running through a field of pumpkins and to watch his face as he marveled at the whole experience.

Boy was I delusional. Spencer slept through the whole afternoon so he missed everything. Gavin on the other hand was wide awake and could have cared less about pumpkin picking. He wanted to be carted around in the Radio Flyer wagon (meant to haul your pumpkins) and go on hayrides. He had fun and thay was the most important thing but I must say that I was a little dissapointed. I really wanted to see him ride on a pony and try to pick "The Great Pumpkin". Instead he kicked around a couple and tossed a handful of little pumpking in the wagon. So no homemade pumpkin pie or roasted pumpkin seeds for me. There is still home. We try again with the cousins next weekend and hopfully we will have better luck.

Reflection

With it being fire prevention week I find it difficult not to think about how quickly your life can change and how, in an instant, you can loose everything you thought was important and gain a new perspective more valuable than anything you could ever dream of.

I try not to think about what could have happened but my mind always returns to the same thing - my god we were home. If a few friends had not stopped by that day and had we not decided to B-B-Q in the yard and play drinking games until somebody puked (yes juvenile I admit) Chris and I would have been in bed asleep and then who knows what would have happened. Thankfully our foolish attempts to reclaim our youth saved us.

I think the worst part of the whole ordeal was, as we watched the house engulfed in flames, knowing that our cat was still inside. The fire fighters were incredible. They new we were upset about our cat and we understood that finding Magic was not their first priority. They were so sympathetic and optimistic to boot. They checked in with us regularly to let us know they hadn't found any signs she had perished and had convinced us how resourceful animals were and how she had probably gotten out of the house on her own.

After the fire was out the fire fighters completed their checks of the house (not sure the correct lingo) like making sure there were no areas of the structure that might collapse and that there were no lingering embers, and then they started to clear out. At this point Chris and I were so exhausted, physically and emotionally, and were basically resigning ourselves that we had officially lost everything, including the cat.

Then, like a scene from a movie, the last firefighter walked out of what was left of the house clutching something in his arms. He walked right over to us and there, soaking wet and looking like a drowned rat, was Magic. The poor thing had hidden under a couch in the corner of the house furthest from where the fire started. Then they took us to the ambulance and, now I can say it must have been the funniest thing to look at, they put an oxygen mask on Magic just to make sure she was ok. It was at that moment that I knew, although we had difficult road ahead of us to rebuild our home, we were going to be fine.

What I didn't know was how incredible our family, friends and colleagues were going to be. In less than a month we had a new apartment and, as a result of the generosity of the aforementioned, enough stuff to furnish it and start over. It did take some adjusting to get comfortable in an apartment filled with things that are not "yours" so to speak but we felt so lucky we made it work.

It has been 5 years since the fire and although I still sometimes feel sad that I don't have the tangibles I collected throughout my life, I am grateful for the memories that will always be with me. Memories that have help shape the person I have become and have helped me to define the person I want to be.

The Crash site of Unrequited Love

Most of you have been where I am tonight. The crash site of unrequited love. You ask yourself, How did I get here? What was it about? Was it her smile? Was it the way she crossed her legs, the turn of her ankle, the poignant vulnerability of her slender wrists? What are these elusive and ephemeral things that ignite passion in the human heart? That's an age-old question. It's perfect food for thought on a bright midsummer's night.

- Martin Sage and Sybil Adelman

Remembering Michelle

On your birthday I pause for a moment and reflect on the infinite wisdom you unknowingly imparted on those whose lives you so graciously touched. You have changed me in ways I can not express in words and I am a better person having been blessed with your friendship.

Thank you for never giving up on me and for teaching me:

Strive to understand others no matter what they believe

Take time to enjoy the simple things in life.

Live each day like the gift that it is.

Love unconditionally

Have Faith

You are with me always. I am your voice and will keep fighting until there is a cure.

The best and the worst

The best sound in the world is a child's laughter or the cooing of a newborn baby. The worst is the sound of your child crying, especially your baby. And when its one of those times where you can't "fix" it your heart just breaks because you just have to hold them and let them cry.

I know those times will pass and with any luck they are few and far between but in those moments ... agonizing is the only word to describe them. Thank goodness for the giggles and smiles and coo's and ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes because they can make you forget all the hard parts and you just melt.

I love you Spinach

One of Gavin’s favorite books is Guess how much I love you. If you are a parent and don’t have it yet.. get it.

Anyhow, there is a part in the book where the little rabbit says to the father rabbit “I love you this much” and the father rabbit says it back. Well my son has decided that in his version of the story the correct words are “I love you spinach!"

So now every night before bed when we read the book he screams “I love you spinach!” and when we are finished he looks at me and says “Good night spinach”

It’s moments like these that are constant reminders of what a joy it is to be a parent and how lucky I am to have my two boys. They are the reason I was put on this earth and my love for them grows every day. So no matter how tired or cranky I may get, one smile, one belly laugh, and most of all just hearing “mommy” whispered from the sleepy lips of a toddler make the world right.

Politically incorrect

Let me preface this post by saying that I truly believe all babies are adorable and a miracle

With that said....Chris and I make beautiful children. I know I should be modest but I can't help it. Look at these faces. My kids are officially the cutest kids in the world. I would venture to say this is an undisputed fact however I know there are other deluded parents out there who would make the same claim.

They would be wrong! That's all I have to say on the subject.

Purple Strides

Earlier this year, Michelle Kucharski, a Lufthansa colleague and very dear friend, lost her fight against Pancreatic Cancer. I am participating in an event for the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network, a non-profit organization working to advance research, support patients and create hope for those affected by pancreatic cancer.

Please visit http://pancan.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=283766&u=283766-229801020&e=1861582644 to see my personal page and join my team. If you are not local to Long Island or cannot participate, please consider a small donation in honor of Michelle and the joy she brought to everyone who knew her. Thank you!

Members Project

The American Cancer Society estimates that 37,680 Americans will be diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2008 and 34,290 Americans will die of pancreatic cancer in 2008, making this type of cancer the fourth leading cause of cancer death overall. Yet despite these alarming statistics, pancreatic cancer has been understudied in both basic research laboratories and the clinic. Advancing pancreatic cancer research into the 21st century is dependent upon the increase of basic scientific research.

This is a very personal and urgent request. Earlier this year a very dear friend, Michelle Kucharski, lost her fight against this dreaded disease. This plea takes nothing more than a few moments of your time. We have a tremendous opportunity to ensure much needed funding to advance research for this aggresive, deadly disease. Please visit the members project wesbite and cast your vote to fund research for Pancreatic Cancer. Thank you!!!

Early Arrivals

Went to the OB today and surprise the baby has turned and my cervix is opening. He is expecting a call by Friday. This child can’t even wait until next week. They scheduled him early as it is and he still has to make an even earlier appearance. After Gavin should I have expected anyting different.

If my kids can’t follow the rules in Utero is there any hope for obedient children after birth. I fear not. Boy am I in for a long hot summer. Not that I am not excited, just not ready. Too much to do and not enough time. Seems like the story of my life.

Gavin has arrived

I can't believe he is actually here. Gavin was born at 7:51 am on February 24th. He weighed in at 5lbs 8oz and is 18in long. He is the most perfect little angel. What an event it was though. I had been to my regular OB appointment as well as the specialist and everything was normal. They told me I was having contractions which were normal and helped the babies lungs develop but I couldn't feel a thing. So After 8 months of hardly even knowing I was pregnant, I got one real good kick late in the evening on the 23rd. Chris was lucky enough to have been there to see it. Well I guess that was him trying to tell me he was ready because on Friday morning I woke up at around 6:00 and got up to start my day and as soon as I stood up my water broke.

Now in all my preparedness for childbirth classes they swore that when your water broke it would be nothing like you saw in the movies. It would be a subtle and just stick a diaper in your pants and mosey along to the hospital. Yeah right. It was like Niagara Falls and no amount of diapers or towels were a help. I pulled Chris out of the shower and called the Doctor and luckily he was already at the hospital. Things moved pretty quickly after that. I was in the hospital by about quarter to 7am and they had about nurses getting all my info and preping me for the delivery. Gavin was breach and since my water broke they had to do an emergency C-section. Within an hour he was born and I couldn't believe it. All I wanted to do was hold him and kiss his perfect little head but here I was strapped to the gurney and numb from the waist down. It was a few hours before I actually got to hold him but when I did all was right with the world. This truly is a miracle

Traveling...with class

I have to go to Germany on a business trip to the comany's training center in Seeheim. I am so excited to go but a little apprehensive as well. Last time I tried to go for the training course I spent 3 days at the airport and couldn't get on a flight. That's the drawback of being an employee. You get bumped and offloaded. The benefits though are we get to fly in Business Class. No more coach seating for me. More after the trip!!!

Flower Garden

I have spent every Sunday for as long as I can remember with my Grandmother (with the exception of my College years when Buffalo was too far a drive for a one day visit). When we were younger and my parents still married my Grandmother would often come to our house and we would have a big bacon and egg breakfast and then go to church. It was an incredible family day that we looked forward to all week. After my parents divorce, Sunday was visitation day with Mom and she was living with Grams at the time so we saw her every week during that time as well.

It was sad for me during college not to have that familiar, weekly visit. My Grams is s trip. She says offensive things without intending to be mean, it's just how things come out and she comes up with the craziest sayings. To quote a few:

• Smart as a fart in a gail of wind
• No new dead horses in the bathtub

You get the idea. Anyhow after my return home from college it just seemed natural to resume my visits. I have such a special relationship with my Grams and I cherish the time we get to spend together. It is sad that she has 12 grandchildren and at least that many great grandchildren all who love in close proximity and very few bother to take the time to visit. They really have no idea what they are missing out on.

Boy did I veer of the original topic of this post. Gardening is the one thing that Grams loves and has always given her joy. She fills her yard with as many flowers as will fit in an array of bright colors. You can't help but just look around in awe. And flowers love her. Everything she plants grows bigger and more beautiful that you could ever anticipate. And the animals love it.

These are just a few of the amazing things you find in her yard. It has to be one of my favorite places in the world. Love you Grams!

A picture is worth ....

Well I splurged and finally replaced my camera. I haven't had one for over a year and anyone who knows me understands that this has been torture. I love photography and am always behind the camera (and therefore rarely in front of it) wherever I go. I have been using disposable camera's and saving up to buy a good point and shoot digital camera. I finally settled on the Olympus C-770 It has all the features I was looking for including 10x optical zoom and a option for black and white photos. I am still playing with all the settings and taking test shots to get used to it but I am so excited. Watch out famuily the paparazzi has returned !!!

Transitions

Well I got the job I applied for. I am kind of caught between being excited about the new challenges and sad to leave this department which I was responsible (with m.s. of course) for creating and spent 4 years pouring blood, sweat, and tears into. I was also really nervous about what the group dynamic would be like in the new job. You know it's always awkward in the beginning when you enter a new work environment, but how you are received makes all the difference.

Working with m.s. has always been easy. We didn't or don't for that matter always agree but that's OK and we know how to work around that. Will it be that easy with my new colleagues?

I had the opportunity to spend two days with my new colleagues at a workshop and was so pleased at the end of it because every single person in the new department was so kid and inviting and made me feel welcome even though I have not started yet. We all joked and laughed and it took a little weight off my shoulders.

Although my excitement for the new job is building every day I still have some guilt. I can't help it. It's in my nature. I am doing everything in my power to just let go. I know I have to but when you invest so much in a project it is hard to just hand it over to someone else. Right now I am just focusing on trying to make a smooth transition, both for myself and the colleagues I am leaving behind.

It sucks when you know you are making the right decision for yourself but it makes other peoples lives a little more complicated.

Taking advantage

O.K. so I am taking advantage of the zero work at my job to post my thoughts. c. and I went to visit his sister in law, niece and nephew over the weekend. The kids are growing so fast it's hard to believe. His niece is talking and actually making sense and his nephew is speed crawling and pulling himself up on anything that will hold him. I love spending time with a. and the kids but at the same time, it breaks my heart.

c.'s brother is a jackass. There is no other way to put it. He has put a. and those kids through hell and refuses to take any responsibility for it. On top of that the divorce has just been finalized and he is already engaged to another woman. It kills me that he is already talking about starting a new family with this other woman and he can't even take care of the kids he has. All he knows how to do is take advantage of people and verbally and physically abuse women. I am amazed that c. and m. were raised in the same household but turned out so completely different.

Is it bad that I wish absolutely horrible things to happen to this man, let me rephrase boy? I know you are supposed to find the good in people, but what if you have searched and searched and there just isn't any. m. is the first person I have met in my life who is just a bad person. There is nothing good about him. And I don't even feel sorry for him because he has chosen to be this way and admittedly so.

To angry...can't continue while I am at work...more later....maybe!