Anniversary

Tomorrow is the third anniversary of my dad's passing. I was hoping to get through Halloween this year without the sadness creeping in. Wishful thinking. I can't help but replay that day and the weeks before over and over in my head.

I held his hand all morning, told him I loved him and that it was OK to go. As he took his last shallow and labored breath the panic set in and I thought, did we do enough, did we make the right choices, could we have fought harder, does he know I am here and that he is not alone.

I get it I now daddy, I understand everything now that I have children of my own. I am sorry it took me so long to see it and that I didn't get the chance to tell you. I love you and miss you every.

Where does the time go?

Has it really been over a year since I have blogged? Yes, I guess I have been a little busy with work, kids and several other new, unexpected and unwanted responsibilities. Emotions run high these days and I don't seem to have a spare minute to find a release. Hopefully, once again, my old friend Subliminal Graffiti will come to my rescue. Can't make any promises but with a little luck I may hang on to my sanity if I unleash here. Only time will tell.

Thanksgiving

We had a quite Thanksgiving at home this year. Grams and Uncle Arthur came which was a pleasant surprise since at 92 (they are twins) neither of them wants to leave the house much anymore.

Chris has started a new tradition of baking a blueberry pie for dessert. (photo left). Grams made her Apple pie (photo right) so we had a battle of the pies. Newbie vs. the Veteran. It was a tough call and we had to eat a lot of pie to judge but after a thorough tasting the winner is ....

Grams apple pie

Halloween

Gavin didn't really get Halloween last year. He loved running around the block, climbing stairs and knocking on doors. He just never wanted to wait for the candy. So I had pretty low expectations this year. I was hoping he would look cute, which our course he did, see for yourself; and I was hoping he would knock on a few doors and actually say trick or treat. No only did he exceed my expectations he managed to charm the whole neighborhood and got way too much candy. At each house it went something like this: 
Gavin: Trick or treat
Neighbor: Oh aren't you just the cutest cow. Here pick which candy you want
Gavin: Oh boy (at which point he reaches into the candy bowl and takes as much as his hand can hold)
Me: Gavin, take one please and say thank you
Gavin: Thank you 
Neighbor: Oh he's so sweet, that's OK you can have a few, in fact here take a few more.

By the 5th house his pumpkin was full and Gavin was just getting started. Halfway through he had so much cany he couldn't even carry the pumpkin anymore. I had to carry it and he would drag it up to the doors to get more. Good thing is since we don't let him have all that much candy he was happy with the handful of M&M's he had when we got home and pretty much forgot all about the rest of the candy. Great for Gavin not so good for mommy and daddy 'cause we ate it all.

Spencer as usual slept through it all but was cute as a button

Boo at the Zoo

I took Gavin and Spencer and met my sister, niece and nephew at the Bronx Zoo for their annual Boo at the Zoo. They have face painting, hayrides, hay maze, magic shows, sing alongs, etc for the kids and they can get goodies throughout the park at the treat stations. Spencer of course slept the whole day away but Gavin, Quinn and Catherine had a great time. They are each individually a handful and when you put them together the are adorable but like a cluster of tornados. We considered the day a success since we only lost one child, Catherine, once and found her within seconds talking to a park ranger.

No matter how often I go I still get giddy about going to the zoo or the aquarium. I am now and always will be a kid at heart and love looking at the animals and riding the carousel. Gavin is still a little young and has a hard time focusing on any one exhibit for more than 10 seconds and he preferes a hands on activity. There is a childrens zoo made just for kids like Gavin where they can touch, crawl, jump and climb just like the animals they see.

My favorite this time around was the butterfly Garden. I managed to get a few geat pictures of the real thing and then a few of my own little bugger!!

I am exhausted and must have walked 10 miles around the zoo but I can't wait to go back again.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink

Chris, my mom and I took Gavin and Spencer pumpkin picking today at Brightwaters Farms I was so excited to see Gavin running through a field of pumpkins and to watch his face as he marveled at the whole experience.

Boy was I delusional. Spencer slept through the whole afternoon so he missed everything. Gavin on the other hand was wide awake and could have cared less about pumpkin picking. He wanted to be carted around in the Radio Flyer wagon (meant to haul your pumpkins) and go on hayrides. He had fun and thay was the most important thing but I must say that I was a little dissapointed. I really wanted to see him ride on a pony and try to pick "The Great Pumpkin". Instead he kicked around a couple and tossed a handful of little pumpking in the wagon. So no homemade pumpkin pie or roasted pumpkin seeds for me. There is still home. We try again with the cousins next weekend and hopfully we will have better luck.

Reflection

With it being fire prevention week I find it difficult not to think about how quickly your life can change and how, in an instant, you can loose everything you thought was important and gain a new perspective more valuable than anything you could ever dream of.

I try not to think about what could have happened but my mind always returns to the same thing - my god we were home. If a few friends had not stopped by that day and had we not decided to B-B-Q in the yard and play drinking games until somebody puked (yes juvenile I admit) Chris and I would have been in bed asleep and then who knows what would have happened. Thankfully our foolish attempts to reclaim our youth saved us.

I think the worst part of the whole ordeal was, as we watched the house engulfed in flames, knowing that our cat was still inside. The fire fighters were incredible. They new we were upset about our cat and we understood that finding Magic was not their first priority. They were so sympathetic and optimistic to boot. They checked in with us regularly to let us know they hadn't found any signs she had perished and had convinced us how resourceful animals were and how she had probably gotten out of the house on her own.

After the fire was out the fire fighters completed their checks of the house (not sure the correct lingo) like making sure there were no areas of the structure that might collapse and that there were no lingering embers, and then they started to clear out. At this point Chris and I were so exhausted, physically and emotionally, and were basically resigning ourselves that we had officially lost everything, including the cat.

Then, like a scene from a movie, the last firefighter walked out of what was left of the house clutching something in his arms. He walked right over to us and there, soaking wet and looking like a drowned rat, was Magic. The poor thing had hidden under a couch in the corner of the house furthest from where the fire started. Then they took us to the ambulance and, now I can say it must have been the funniest thing to look at, they put an oxygen mask on Magic just to make sure she was ok. It was at that moment that I knew, although we had difficult road ahead of us to rebuild our home, we were going to be fine.

What I didn't know was how incredible our family, friends and colleagues were going to be. In less than a month we had a new apartment and, as a result of the generosity of the aforementioned, enough stuff to furnish it and start over. It did take some adjusting to get comfortable in an apartment filled with things that are not "yours" so to speak but we felt so lucky we made it work.

It has been 5 years since the fire and although I still sometimes feel sad that I don't have the tangibles I collected throughout my life, I am grateful for the memories that will always be with me. Memories that have help shape the person I have become and have helped me to define the person I want to be.